The Jokes Page

It’s important to have a good sense of humor in the music business. It has certainly helped me through the years. I’m known for my bad jokes – My favorite is: Did you hear the one about the vacuum? It sucks. My second favorite is: You’re funny – But looks aren’t everything! I will now spare you from the wrath of the rest of my jokes and share with you some of my favorites from some very funny people.
Thanks.
All the Best,
- Bob

jokes - Various Musician Jokes

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? 
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? 
Who cares - neither one's a guitar.

How do you know when the stage is level? 
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth...

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune? 
Neither did I.

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners? 
So the rest of the band can understand them.

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend? 
Homeless...

What's the definition of a minor second? 
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch? 
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune? 
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning? 
Throw him his amp.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? 
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? 
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!" 
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Year’s Eve gig at a local club... The place is packed and everybody absolutely loves the music... Shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great ... everybody loves you ... I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ... 
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner... and the trombone player says "Sure ... we'd love to ... Is it OK if we leave our stuff here??”

What is "perfect pitch?" 
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? 
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? 
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a 
lawn mower and don't return it.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? 
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? 
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much 
better they could've done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? 
Both suck when you plug them in.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit? 
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ... 
the other was a guitar player as well...

How is an orgasm like a drum solo? 
You can tell its coming but there's no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician? 
A guy whose wife/ girlfriend has 2 jobs.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? 
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? 
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? 
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? 
"Year-at-a-glance"

How can you tell which kid on the playground is the trombone player's kid? 
He doesn’t know how to work the slide and he can’t swing!

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? 
Skid marks in front of the snake.

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

What's the range of a tuba? 
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? 
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work? 
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? 
Drool.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" 
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door? 
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a guitarist to play softer? 
Put a chart in front of him.

What’s the best thing to play on a stand up bass? 
Solitaire.

How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb? 
He holds it up and the world revolves around him.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning? 
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? 
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile? 
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control? 
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola? 
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog? 
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?  
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas? 
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola? 
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists? 
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful? 
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? 
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? 
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist? 
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage ? 
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? 
Because deep down they're all very nice people...

Whats the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?? 
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish...

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye? 
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a light bulb? 
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door? 
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? 
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...it would be a good idea.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? 
A good start.

What's the definition of a male quartet? 
Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first? Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? 
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist? 
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? 
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm 
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, 
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks 
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? 
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? 
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman? 
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist? 
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? 
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO? 
You can negotiate with the PLO.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?  
A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Why are viola jokes so short?  
So violinists can understand them.

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?  
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?  
Violins don't have spit valves.

.What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?  
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?  
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?  
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?  
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?  
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?  
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?  
A bad oboist can kill you.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?  
The exhaust.

What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza? 
The pizza can feed a family of four.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?  
I don't know either.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?  
"Hi. I'm better than you."

Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?  
He's too sensitive.

What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?  
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?  
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?  
On or off.

How do you fix a broken tuba?  
With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?  
A drummer.

Why do bands have bass players?  
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?  
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?  
The lipstick.

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?  
The jewelry.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman? Stage makeup.

What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?  
About 10 pounds.

How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?  
The horses seem very relieved.

Why do musicians tour the most in the summer? 
So they can visit all their kids.

Why do high school choruses travel so often?  
Keeps assassins guessing.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?  
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?  
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?  
Counterpoint.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?  
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?  
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's a accordion good for?  
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?  
Ladies in Pain

What happens if you play blues music backwards?  
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?  
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?  
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?  
Start with two million.

Michael Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?  
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?  
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?  
They've had so little use.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?  
Not enough concrete.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?  
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What's the definition of an assistant conductor?  
A mouse trying to become a rat.

 

What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?  
A demented chord.

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?  
...hmm...I don't know...what do you think?

 
Actual Titles of Some Country Music Songs:

- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- Do You Love As Good As You Look?
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
- May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
- You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
- You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?  
Throw in a food stamp

How do you get em out?  
Throw in a bar of soap

Why are bass players steering wheels so small?  
So they can drive with handcuffs on

There's a deer and a conductor lying dead in the road, what’s the difference?  
There is skid marks in front of the deer.

Why don't bass players play hide and seek?  
Because no one will look for them.

Why do guitarist make great astronauts?  
because all they take up is space in school.

Who won the drummer beauty contest?  
Nobody.

What are the three most difficult years in a bass player’s life?  
Second grade.

What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?  
Unemployed.

Q: How many drummers does it take to roof a house? 
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How do you get a drummer out of a tree? 
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a guitar player from drowning? 
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?" 
A: When a busload of bass players goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? 
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a drummer? 
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: Why did the post office recall the new guitar player stamps? 
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: If you see a guitar player on a bicycle, why would you swerve to avoid hitting him? 
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed bass player? 
A: - Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a drummer is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven? 
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do drummers like smart women? 
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer is well hung? 
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do you get a drummer to stop biting his nails? 
A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future? 
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q: What should you give a keyboard player who has everything? 
A: A bass player to show him how to work it.

Q: What's a guitar player’s idea of honesty in a relationship? 
A: Telling you his real name.

Musical Terms Misunderstood by Country-Western Musicians

Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Cut Time-- Parole
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone-- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
High C-- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Minor Third-- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
12-Tone Scale --The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
First Inversion --Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
Aeolian Mode-- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses

Great Lies of the Music Business~ 

The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
This is the best dope you've ever had
The show starts at 8
My agent will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on
I checked it myself
The roadie took care of it
She'll be backstage after the show
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
It's the hottest pickup I could get
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up.
The place was packed
We'll have you back next week
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
You'll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
It's totally compatible with your current program

On a flight recently, a friend of ours decided to start a conversion with his seatmate. "I've got a great Tuba joke," he began. "Would you like to hear it?”

"I should let you know first that I am a tubist." Replied his neighbor.

That's okay. I'll tell it real slow!"

How do you raise the town's IQ?  
Shoot the tuba player.

How do you tune two tubas?  
You shoot one!

A guy goes into a bar and gets really drunk. He decides before he leaves that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he asks the bartender where the bathroom is.

The bartender says it's down the hall and on the left. The man thanked the bartender and goes down the hall and to the right.

When he enters the room he sees a bright shiny gold thing in the corner. The man thinks "This place has really got class what with the gold toilet." So the man does his duty and goes home.

The next day he calls up the bar and tells them that he thinks their bar has class because hey have gold toilets. The bartender puts down the receiver and yells, "HEY JOE, I THINK WE JUST FOUND THE GUY WHO CRAPPED IN YOUR TUBA!"

Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? 
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR ON A MUSICIAN'S TOUR BUS...

Shouldn't we go back for the drummer? 
Oh no you don't! It's my turn to clean the bathroom. 
Checkmate! 
Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals. 
So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus. 
No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up. 
Twenty percent? Our manager should get at least 30 percent!! 
Why is there porno in the VCR? 
Can you believe all the money we're getting? 
Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha! 
No thanks, I don't want another beer. 
Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.

Jokes 2 by Rodney Dangerfield

Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a
good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough
shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I
was the sap."


"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great
Uncle fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught
him stealing pens."

"When I was born. The doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could...but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

"My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."

"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."

"Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a
pyramid in every room."

"What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!"

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd
get."

"One year they wanted to make me poster boy... For birth
control."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more
proof"

"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.
He was in the electric chair."

"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."

"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning"

"Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll
ever find them? He said. I don't know kid... There are so
many places they can hide."

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to
talk to me. He said... On your mark..."

"When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a
picture of me."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a
library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday"

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips. Yet she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it
out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at Me."

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I
would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to
New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London
to Tokyo? He told me…That is why we give you 21 days.

"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me
absolutely no good."

"They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I
supposed to do? Jerk him off too?"

"At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open.
Boy...what a present he gave me!"

"My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the
dog's bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh."

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing Me."

"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg".

"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the
store and just as she was heading for our car, someone
stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She
said ... No, but I got the license plate."

"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She
said...Why should I... you never put out for Me."

"I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She
said...No, one drag is enough."

"I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in
the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap."

"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody
home. I went over... Nobody was home!"

"A hooker once told me she had a headache."

"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

"My only thrill is self inflicted... hickies."

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at
all."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I
said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She
said... No. I hate myself now."

"My girlfriend was no bargain either. She used to braid her
armpits."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an
echo."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal
code."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR
THIGHS bra."

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a
sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."

"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the
tent maker"

"I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with
her they had to ask for directions."

"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me
why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't
think I had enough gas"

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out
of two bed sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a
two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a
bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet
her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog
show and she won first prize."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in
prisons to cure sex offenders."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the
top of the Empire State building and planes started to
attack her."

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she
came in second in a hatchet fight!"

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw
a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."

I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like
a saint--A saint Bernard!"

"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few
drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have? I
said...surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my
wife."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the
other night she called me from a hotel."

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah...my wife just
broke up with her boyfriend."

"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are
you doing that for? He said...Because you came home early."

"I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in
the back seat!"

"Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her...The best woman
a man ever had.... The waiter joined me."

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a
shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and
the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"

"I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new
problem...I don't know who to thank!"

"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette.
We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."

"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I
told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's wrong
with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is
perfect"

"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to
wear a brown necktie."

"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he
holds up his arms"

"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he
blows onion rings."

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If
you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said...
Alright...you're ugly too!"

"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling
shot!"

"And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd
have nothing to play with!"

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait till it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

Jokes 3 by Stephen Wright

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using”.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I had amnesia once or twice.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car...
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
* Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* If the world was a logical place,
Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible.... And I believed them.

* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,
When he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

* Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* One nice thing about egotists.... They don't talk about other people.

* When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

* How can there be self-help "groups"

* Is there another word for synonym?

* The speed of time is one second per second.

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

* Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?